Boy Toys

As a lesbian, why do I resonate with boyhood? This work attempts to describe a form of mindful masculinity that I associate with my butch lesbian identity. In reality, being so removed from a traditional boyhood makes me romanticize it. How do I stop mourning what I never had? My sentimentality and idealized image of boyhood glosses over its complications. I want its innocence but I also want its secrets. I ache to experience it the way I’ve seen others, to touch my body in a boy way, to see the world through a lens of masculine naivety.
I want to reclaim my boyhood! I want to be dirty and grimy and my knees to be scraped. I want to hide away in the trees, my objects in hand. I want a little box to carry around that I fill within minutes of being outside. Boys are selfish, boys are violent, I can’t help but to want just a taste of it. I am fascinated by boys because of their masculinity and frustrated at their misuse of it. I want to feel like a Boy, I want to feel Butch. I hold onto everything I am told. I was collecting before I knew what any of it was for. I knew I was Butch as a kid before I’d ever even heard the word. I want to establish myself on my own terms, I want to be a Boy on my own terms. I want to make sense of my world, I want to know why I see myself reflected in the places that I do.
I am replicating, I am collecting, I am repairing, I am longing. Each object is deeply informed by my past but absolutely integral to myself now. A bottle, a cup, a plate, they are all part of an ever growing collection. Each object, each piece that I add to this collection helps me make sense of my own identity. I am creating my own space, I want to be a Boy on my own terms.

I want I want I want